I have a girlfriend her name is Grace she broke my heart I broke her FACE
Why is six affraid for seven? Because seven eight nine. (de uitspraak)
Engelsman vraagt aan een Chinees; "How many times do you have elections"? Zegt de Chinees; "Evely morning!
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years?" God replied,"I didn't recognize you."
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?
Er is een italiaanse familie naar amerika ge-emigreerd. na aankomst zegt de moeder tegen haar dochter: Go outside, finde husbande, make love and get married. De dochter komt thuis met een man en vraagt raad aan haar moeder: Go upstairse, make love and get married. Een moment later komt de dochter naar beneden: Mama, mama, this man gotte big haire on his cheste. Moeder zegt: Don't matter go upstairs, make love and gette married. Later komt ze weer terug en zegt: Mama, mama, This man gotte big haire between his legs. Moeder zegt: Don't matter go upstairs, make love and gette married. Later komt ze weer terug: Mama,mama, This man got a really big thing between his legs. Zegt de moeder: STAY HERE, THAT'S FOR THE MAMA.
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
Afgelopen week ging ik eindelijk weer terug naar Nederland. Ik had al veel te lang in Amerika gezeten. Dus eerst even inchecken bij de balie waar de baliemedwerkster eerst wat vragen stelde... Name? Scholten! Nationality? Dutch! Sex? No thank you!...
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No.I think I'll just wait for the police...
Overheard by United Airlines Pilot on landing at Frankfurt Airport: NOTE: Britiah Airways planes are known as Speedbird on the airwaves...... Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206, clear of the active." Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate." The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground (brusquely): "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, several times in 1944, but I didn't stop"